Departure

Goodnight Moon

Goodbyes haven't gotten any easier.

The day with my son went well, as expected.

From the start I had been notified that he may be coming down with a fever.

Not showing any symptoms whatsoever I decided it best to enjoy some outdoor time with him.

Broke out a few new toys to fool around with:

- a hopscotch mat

- a plane which blows bubbles

& 

- a rather over-sized squirt gun

Once the festivities concluded we took a stroll downtown,

destination: the local comic book store, as well as the toy store for some childrens books.

I served as the prince's chauffeur as he rode horseback the entire way to and fro

I then recommended we stop for a bite to eat and enjoy the commons playground,

he wanted no part, as his legs were asleep due to spending his travels on my back.

So we ventured back and agreed we'd take the dog to the playground closer to home.

Once we arrived home and got settled it became clear the lil' guys temperature was rising.

At this point all bets were off on heading back out,

and the rest of the time was spent playing indoors, and observing his temperature.

Medicine lowered the chance of prospective danger, and thankfully restored his health,

as I was worried his condition might worsen and a trip to the doctor may be necessary.
(I've been made aware by his caretakers that his temp has once again rose,
but won't know more until tomorrow, hopefully some sleep curbs his ailments)

At one point I began drawing him while he played.

Bare in mind I've miniscule experience in portraits, 

and those I've constructed were done so when parties were asleep, 

so doing so in regards to an active young boy was no easy ballgame and didn't get very far.

We also "got inked" as his suitors at the "Maverick Hotel" referred to it:

his choice? his favorite Mario character: the Princess,
whom reminds me (and obviously him) of certain individuals

It's become apparent he has begun analyzing the situation he was forced into far more then expected.

Alot of questions arose pertaining to the fact that his mother was not home.

At one point he had made mention that he believed this ordeal would subside upon moms return.

There was no way for me to explain to him that this was unlikely, 

so I detoured the conversation as to avoid answering such a statement.

Keeping my own opinions on the matter bottled with him isn't exactly easy,

but bare in mind I've no animosity towards the party in question,

so the focus becomes more on the fact that we all love him 

and whether true or not from the opposite side of the spectrum, 

still contain a wealth of love for each other as well.

I refuse to offer any negative sentiment towards his mother, because fact is none exists.

End of the night became a bit worrisome.

Once I notified him that his caretakers would be arriving shortly,

he began trying to finagle a way to avoid leaving,

including various offers to go to bed as well as the many activities which this entails,

such as reading books, or getting into PJ's.

As the clock drew closer, his pleads became more apparent.

The instant they arrived, he began crying more then he has thus far.

My only option was to inform him that this wasn't the end, and he'd be returning again in short time.

Truly heartbreaking circumstances across the board.

A true damper on the evening for which I obviously blame him not,
for he's truly the central victim of all this.

I see the joy in his eyes upon returning, and understand his desire to stay, as I share this notion.

In many ways I wish his mother was involved with our get-togethers.

His questions concerning the matter plague my mind infinitely,

and any real answers can't be divulged, as I myself must stay strong and keep his worries buried.
Hopefully in the end, this can all draw to a head without completely transforming who he would've inevitably become otherwise.

On another note, some of my inner thoughts which arose during a recent 'heart-to-heart'.

Honestly, feeling a bit spiritual at the moment,
and I'm sharing because many of these things I myself need to keep in mind:

"My own apartment was imprisoned by memories for far too long,

but at some point you have to realize that these 'haunted' locales will never be inhabited by the same experiences ever again, so it then becomes your responsibility to live in the moment rather then focusing on the mirage of what once was"

"Can't live within regret, it will just pull you under... I've plenty, 
but all in all you can't roll back the clock and refill the hourglass"

"dealing gets easier with time as more opportunities arise or you realize your own self-worth minus the necessity for other individuals"

"clean the slate and erase prior memories which stand in the way of doing so, 
focusing on the positives and future likelihoods"

and now some recent thoughts by the Dalai Lama
when asked what surprised him the most about humanity:

"Man...

Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;

he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

and without further ado, a track I picked for the night:

I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings

I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car

I am all the days
That you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I'm a moth
Who just wants to share your light

I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all wrong

and a few additional pictures taken today, plus a few constructed yesterday:

Don't Tread On Us

Galactic Police State

Faith in fate

Nothing happens for a reason, destiny is debauchery. There exists only consequence & coincidence

artistic/autistic

....and now for some mood music:

My minds in disarray, chock full of thought for better or worse.

Much turmoil brewing internally. 

I've ceased taking notes regarding politics for the time being,

and instead have replaced the scrawl with scrap paper adorned with ideas for future art projects.

The juices are flowing, only problem is finding the time to put these visions to paper.

Lately I've felt as though I can accomplish anything within my reach 

and have no fear that these projects will eventually come to fruition.

My eyes have once again returned to spanning the environment for prospective photographs.

While many walk aimlessly, my eyes are scanning each and every crevice.

A bit consuming to say the least.

Life in general is rather lonely. I work alone, return to an empty home, and sleep alone.
Rinse, Wash, Repeat.

It's more than evident that only I have the power to change this, comprehend what that entails.

If my son was by my side, my woes would subside. He's my everything now.
To return to the day of waking with him and putting him to sleep is unfortunately unfathomable.

I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that his mother is never returning.

The situation is out of my hands... so shall it be.... as there's nothing I can possibly do except move on.

So expect much art from me in the future, as other then pets its nearly my only company.

I've much aspiration to start experimenting with various forms, such as charcoal, collage, and drawing.

Shots of the day:

Broken Hearts Club

Today I spent time with 2 individuals separately suffering from heartache 

from opposite sides of the each others spectrum.

Both cases involved children as well as significant others.

Seems all too familiar these days. Recently upon returning from my journey into Boston,

the walk home resulted in 2 separate run-ins with friends of the past also going through the same debacle.
Loss of a loved one, ultimately ending in loss of child.

Can't help but feel sorry for all these individuals and their personal situations.

Genuinely they and I only desire the same thing, family, love, and a dash of cuddling.

How cruel a world to deprive faithful individuals of these human necessities.

In the majority of these conversations which took place I offered a warm ear,

and tried to keep my own history at bay while expressing heartfelt sympathy.

The sum total of these stories is 5 broken homes, 5 children which will venture through childhood from the perspective of never experiencing a solid family.

Tragedy.... 

In all cases the parents just desired a "normal" life with their partner and child.

The future is unfathomable upon destruction of the civil union.

Strong bonds are necessary in light of the downward spiral this world has entered and continuously follows.

While the majority are focused on partying, there exists human beings only yearning for peace within themselves, some via a bond with their lover and/or child.

Devotion is a rare virtue far unappreciated.
Anyone who knows my situation is well informed that I will always keep a spot open in my heart for the one I love regardless of their actions or lack thereof.

One can only hope time heals all wounds.

Abandonment is common and far too acceptable in the eyes of the populous.

Stay faithful to yourself, as well as those who love you the most.

Respect to those who shared traces of their heart with me. Wish I could mend the pieces.

War & Peace

Devil's Drink

No offense, as this isn't aimed at anybody in particular, just a bit of an observation.

But people drink too damn much!
Since when is this cool to the extent that people feel obligated to broadcast everytime they drink.

More so, putting up pictures of themselves drinking nearly every occasion they do so.

Seriously, congratulations you made it past 21, but your drinking is no accomplishment.
To add insult to injury its usually expected of these individuals to periodically post photos of themselves hammered.

I'm down for a drink every so often, and once in a blue moon may push it past the limit,
but this is nothing to be proud of, to the point where its an obligation to advertise the fact.

Nothing wrong with occasionally enjoying liquor and letting everyone know,

or even crossing the line there after,

but when it becomes habitual or what defines you as a person, a tad extreme, no?

Starry Night

Because I can:

One's Company

Wherever you are, you will carry always
Truth of the scars and darkness of your faith
Slowly move on, how did we get to here
It all went wrong, gravity claiming all your tears
Everything looks so much better now, so much better now

You will get yours, you will get yours, you will get yours
You have no right to ask me now, you were never that around
I have missed

Reality daytrips and your suit me, suit me ways
Turn out the light switch, we've been awake for days
And no-one's coming round here no more, no-one's coming round here

You will get yours, you will get yours, you will get yours
You will get yours, you will get yours
You have no right to calm me down, you were never that around
I have missed, I have missed

Cold contagious, all the might mighty men
What you save is what you lose out in the end
Cold contagious, cold contagious

Paint your perfect day, I don't mind this
I'm better off by the way, deeply grounded

You will get yours, you will get yours, you will get yours
You will get yours, you will get yours, you will get yours

Cold contagious, all the mighty mighty men
What you save is what you lose out in the end
Cold contagious, cold contagious

Cold contagious, cold contagious  

 Have always been fond of this one, but never has it retained so much significance.

Could go on forever deciphering the lyrics, but will let you draw your own conclusions based upon personal experience and loss.

Yearn to get into a similar mode. Wish her cold was contagious.

Things have been looking up, but I still dwell within a self-inflicted asylum.

Even as I enjoy a Kelly's clam plate washed down with Octoberfest, I remain tortured by thought.

Love is the catalyst of misery. 

Even on my birthday I've shattered plans, instead choosing to isolate myself, 

hopefully deprivation rekindles the soul.

As the trains keeps-a-rolling, fearful life will quit giving me chances if I fail to grab the bull by the horns.

Life goes on.... in the words of Vonnegut, "so it goes".